From The Pit of Hell to Freedom

I metaphorically scan my surroundings searching for a partner, a life long one that is. My palms sweat as I see everyone around me pairing up, like it's easy. Everyone knows the rules and how to play the game except me. It's like in high school when they told us to pair up for a project and the panic rose, as I grasped for the nearest person who I thought *might say yes to working with me. Except this, feels more personal, this is life, not a school project. It touches the places of my heart I don't want to go. Bracing myself for another rejection, another name to add to the "not happening" list. The list is long, the list is messy. No one talks about the pain of breaking up with someone you never dated, let alone doing it over and over again. I want to bury it, never speak of it and move on.

The enemy whispers in my ear...

"You're crazy."

"You will always be alone"

"You take things too seriously"

"You don't take things seriously enough"

"Why did you do that? No wonder no one wants you!"

"You did it again, attached yourself to another guy just because he looked your way"

"It's all your fault that you end up in situations like this"

"You came on too strong"

"You are intimidating"

"You are too needy"

"You are too much like a child"

"You might as well wear a scarlet letter, your heart is so messed up"

"You deserved to be treated that way, because you were too flirty and you were the one who crossed the line"

"If they only knew, they'd never want to be your friend"

"Maybe if you did this, then they'd like you."

"God is so disappointed in you, you'll never receive His blessing on a relationship"

I'm exhausted. The whispers are too loud to fight. I curl in a ball tears rolling down my face, sobs beginning to shake through my whole body. Anxiety rushes through my veins, they must be true. How can I ever fix it?

Then I hear a voice that's louder. My Jesus --- He says ENOUGH. That is enough. Those whispers come from the pit of hell. They are lies. REMEMBER, Melissa. Remember what I've done. I took those things with me to the cross, they have been buried and you have been made new. You are a BELOVED daughter of God and NO ONE can take that from you. He will NOT withhold His blessings from you because of your mistakes. You are forgiven for your wrong doings. You are not responsible for the wrong doing of others. I've covered theirs too, leave them to me. You are fully known, fully seen, fully loved.

Slowly my face turns up, I begin to stand. My weeping turns into dancing, gladness washes over me as I remember His goodness. I am free. I am free to love and care deeply without regret, the outcome is His to determine. I am free to be who He created me to be without getting stuck on what others think. I am free to trust God's wisdom as I seek Him. I am free to grow and learn from my past, and not be defined by it.

Thank you Jesus for this gift of freedom <3

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ. For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will— to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves. In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace that he lavished on us. With all wisdom and understanding, he made known to us the mystery of his will according to his good pleasure, which he purposed in Christ." Ephesians 1:3-9

"But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." Ephesians 2:4-10

"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

https://youtu.be/5LpjzDCk-Io?si=JHsANU8k7lVCNdd6