Slow And Steady

I recently asked my small group to pray for patience and presence. Patience with the Lord’s timing and presence with where He has me now. I’ve been wrestling, a lot. It’s been a quiet season of me and the Lord, going back and forth, Him gently leading me. It’s the battle of instant gratification against cultivating slow and steadiness, waiting on the Lord to make His move. When I asked the Lord for the next steps and He said, “pray," that's not the answer I was expecting, because what do you mean my next step is "pray?" Lol. But okay, yes I hear You, I'll keep praying.

Something crazy happens when you pray— He actually answers. I was reminded recently of a prayer that I began praying after college. “Lord, make me a woman of rest, who invites others into rest” — and that has become the foundation of my vision and dreams for the future. And you know what, it turns out to be a woman of rest, who invites others into rest, you have to actually learn HOW to rest. And learning we have.  It's been sweet to reflect on the ways He has cultivated rest in me since praying that prayer.

Listen, though, I am a doer, I like to get things done and feel accomplished, to have a purpose.  As I think most of us do. God created us with an innate drive to do work (Genesis 2:15-21; Ephesians 2:10) AND rest is a continuous theme in the Bible, beginning with God Himself, who rested after He had created the world and all that's in it (Genesis 2: 2-3; Exodus 33:14; Psalm 23; Matthew 11:28-30; Mark 6:31; Hebrews 4:9-11-- to name a few). I was in a friend’s wedding recently, and while we were waiting for the bride and groom to arrive at the reception, I practically begged the people she had assigned to be in charge of snacks to give me a job. I looked at another friend and said, “I’m realizing that I don’t sit very well.” I resonate a lot with Martha in the Bible. 

So learning to rest, in a hustle culture and natural inclination to busy myself with all the things— well, it’s been a journey and here we are again in a place of learning to rest when I know the Lord is going to move me soon, yet He still has me where I am, and all He’s tasked me with is “pray”— I went on a walk with the Lord yesterday and as we were walking, my thoughts and prayers were all over the place, but one thought from the Lord made its way through. “Melissa, being present where I have you, doesn’t mean I’ll keep you here forever.” Cue the tears and familiarity of feelings associated with feeling "stuck."

I've been here before in a different context. When God called me to stay home and take care of my mom after high school, I thought that was going to be my life. That's all I was going to do, any future dreams I had at that point died. He called me to take care of my mom in that season, knowing it wouldn't be forever. I couldn't see that far ahead when I said yes to staying and caring for her and if I had, well I can't confidently say I would have said yes to stay at that time. And when she passed, I will be honest there was a sense of relief and a breath of hope in the way of "I will have a life outside of caring for my mom." I say that out of authenticity, not out of dismissal for the pain in that part of my story. I will never know the reasons for that part of my story, the point I want to make clear is that we can't see the other side of the mountain, but I do know that the Lord was with me then, He's with me now and He will continue to be with me and I believe that for you too.

I don't like being a nomad, it's uncomfortable, it's humbling. I've lived with roommates, I've lived in three basements now and so much blessing has come from each season, I am so grateful for the generosity of others AND I'm also weary of not having yet had the opportunity to settle in home that isn't transient, to make a place a home. It feels like this will be my life and cue the Lord's reminder yesterday "Melissa, being present where I have you, doesn't mean I'll keep you here forever." The breath of hope. I can't see what is on the other side, but I know with confidence, He's preparing me to move to the next season and it's not going to be transient. He sees and knows the dreams in my heart, because He has placed them there, and has continued to shape them, as I have sought Him year after year; and He's asked me now to pray over them in faith, believing in His power and glory, not leaning into my own works or strength.

I should also mention other notable prayers I've prayed in the past year(s): "Lord, I want a story that can only be pointed back to You." Well, it turns out those kind of stories take time and faithful prayer, trusting in His timing. Slow and steady. So I sit and I pray, that's all I know. It's uncomfortable, it's humbling, it's beautiful and feels crazy and like a broken record at times, yet there's peace and confidence that He is moving levers I can't see. In my humanity, yes, I struggle to have patience and choosing to be present is a moment by moment choice. But God. He is faithful and I have so many things I can point to as evidence of His work in my life. It's undeniable, He is always taking care of me, leading me, comforting me, shaping me and continuing to cultivate rest in me.

"Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.”

 Surely he will save you from the fowler’s snare and from the deadly pestilence. He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday. A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you. You will only observe with your eyes    and see the punishment of the wicked. If you say, “The Lord is my refuge,”  and you make the Most High your dwelling, no harm will overtake you, no disaster will come near your tent. For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways; they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone. You will tread on the lion and the cobra; you will trample the great lion and the serpent. “Because he loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. He will call on me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble,    I will deliver him and honor him. With long life I will satisfy him and show him my salvation.”

Psalm 91