Just Listen

The low grumblings start around 10 am, my body is asking for a snack. As I learn to listen to my body, I give in more and more but it's still a battle. I think "You just ate breakfast an hour and a half ago, you should still be full." My body fights back, "but I'm hungry, please feed me something. I need some more fuel to sustain you today." I think "maybe I just need some water, maybe I'm confusing hunger with thirst." My body says, "No, please pause a moment and listen to me. You need fuel to function today." Sigh, okay, "But what if it is too many carbs?" My body, "carbs are my preferred source of energy, you know this."

Lunch time rolls around and I start to critique my lunch, even though I planned it thoughtfully on the weekend, I think "is it enough, or too much or is it really nutritionally balanced? Maybe I'll try something different next week. I don't feel like this meal is my best." I eat it out of necessity, not really enjoying the taste and the silent anxiety and dread of having to eat the same lunch for the week rages on because my meal isn't "perfect." I ignore it by scrolling on my phone and move on with my day.

It's 3pm and that low rumble starts up again. I think "again?! I just ate lunch two hours ago. Surely I can't be hungry again." My body says, "you need a little something to finish the work day." I think "no, I'll be fine, I'll just eat dinner right when I get home." My body, "no, you really should eat a little something now, so you aren't ravenous when you get home." Sigh, okay, fine. But I don't like the snacks I packed. Fighting again about the nutritional value of them and worrying that they aren't perfect. I think "I should really look at Pinterest for inspiration." Body, laughs at this thought, "you've been there before Melissa, you know that isn't the solution. Not every meal has to be perfect."

That's just the day to day battle. Eating in social settings, can also be a tender place at times. I've only had one person (a stranger to me), comment on my plate and alluding that I was eating too much based on my telling her that I went to brunch that morning with a friend, "I hope you had brunch early this morning," while pointedly looking at my plate filled with a few things that the host had made. The rage that filled my soul in that moment, I can still feel when I think about it too much. This was a one off, most of the time it is just casual conversation. "I'm on a diet this month or I'm cutting carbs or I'm being "bad" today" --- though they are never directed at me, it does not take much for my anxiety to start spiraling, worrying about my own food choices. My body begs for freedom. She says, "please just listen to me. I am built in with hunger and fullness cues, if you pay close attention. Don't listen to the other voices, you can trust me."

Yes, trust her I can and though I've come so far, the Lord still allows me to struggle, and I think so that I can share with others, so they may know that they are not alone, they don't have to fight the culture surrounding food alone. When I was first introduced to intuitive eating, I was at a low point in this area. I found myself completely consumed with my food choices. Questioning whether or not I should go back on weight watchers or find another diet to force my body into submission. I finally, got on my knees, and said "Lord I need you to teach me. Show me what is best for me. I have to surrender this area to you." Longing to be able to just eat and not have the noise come with it, was deep. At the time, I didn't truly love my body, I was frustrated that I had gained back the weight I had lost and I picked apart the areas that it was most visible. I truly needed the Lord to shift my perspective, and praise God that He is who He is. He is faithful to answer prayer and He cares about every detail of our lives.

The heart work began with learning to love my body, to be grateful for it, to be kind to it. That journey started with the Lord showing me how much He loves me, as I am, in the body that I am in. That the body I am in, doesn't determine my worth, value or identity or how much He loves me. A long journey in and of itself, that I have spoken of often in other posts. Then He started giving wisdom on where to go for nutrition advice. I'm not sure if I started researching intuitive eating or if I happen to come across it, but either way, I found a slew of intuitive eating dieticians to follow on social media. The first video ever that I watched, explained what intuitive eating is, and then the second followed up with giving yourself permission to eat all foods and tools to help identify hunger and fullness cues.

What I discovered as I started giving myself permission to eat all foods, is that I had a lot of food rules that had accumulated throughout the years of pursuing a thinner body. I had a lot of food that I feared. Giving myself permission to eat those things, was monumental task and realizing the weight of guilt that came with eating those things was eye opening. This process though, allowed me to start taking notes. It allowed me to start enjoying those foods that I had given a negative label over the years. It allowed me to check in and see how does this food make me feel physically, to learn what is enough is for my body and what is too much. The reality is we are going to overeat from time to time, and it doesn't feel good. Where the healing came for me, was instead of shaming myself in that moment, I started taking notes for the next time: "This made me feel icky, I don't like that feeling. Next time I am going to still enjoy it, but check in with my fullness cues, so I don't get to the point of discomfort."

The concept of adding instead of subtracting came next. What can I add to make this more nutritious, instead of what can I take away? This was also a monumental task, because I had it ingrained in me, that healthy is less. Less food, more exercise. Scientifically, yes to lose weight, that is "the code." But also scientifically, health is more than that number on the scale. This task of asking myself what I could add, allowed me to incorporate the things I was beginning to enjoy again (pasta, bread, etc.) and pair it with other things that boosted the nutritional value. I began learning what the actual purpose of carbs, fat, protein and fiber, and how our bodies need all of those things to function at their best. This was so freeing for me after years of finding ways to restrict calories, not really knowing why I was told carbs are bad. I suppose because the focus was a smaller body, not wholistic health.

I think the biggest misconception about intuitive eating is that it is a "free for all," eat what you want, when you want, how much you want. When really, it's actually more about tuning in with your body's cues vs just eating all the things you have told yourself are bad your whole life. It's about being mindful and paying attention to how foods make you feel. Its about learning the different types of hunger: physical, practical, taste, emotional. All equally okay and should be honored! We know what physical hunger feels like. Practical hunger looks like: I am not hungry right now, but I have a long stretch where I won't be able to eat coming up. I'm going to eat something now, so I'm not starving later. Taste hunger is when you have a craving for something, this can happen when you feel physically hungry or not. It's totally okay to honor this craving, as it adds to your satisfaction of a meal or social event. And then there is emotional hunger. This one is one that is tricky. It's totally okay to honor this type of hunger, we all do this from time to time. I think what is important is to also get to the root of your emotions, not just eat them "away." It can get dicey, if it is your only way to cope with/ignore hard emotions. That is where working with a counselor would be beneficial to help you sort through and navigate other ways to move through emotions.

This is just a summary of intuitive eating and my experience, it was on my heart to share this week. My prayer is that it can encourage anyone who has been in the same place. As we head into the holidays, these are some grounding phrases that help me and I pray may help you wherever you are at in your journey:

1. I am loved by the God of the universe and at the end of the day, that is all that truly matters.

2. My food decisions don't have to mean so much. There are different reasons to choose to eat or not eat something and all are valid.

3. Healing my relationship with food now, is not just for me. It's for my kids and their kids.

4. My body still needs fuel every day, even the day after holiday eating.

Lord, may you help us steward the physical bodies you have given us each day. May you bring freedom and joy in the food that you provide us daily. Thank you for creating us in your image, help us love and care for each other in a way that is honoring to you as we enter a season of holiday parties and family gatherings. Guard our hearts and minds from lies of the enemy and root the truth of your gospel and grace in our hearts. In your precious name we pray Jesus, Amen.