Giving Myself Grace and Getting Caught in the Rain

I let myself sleep in until ten this morning. I usually don't do that, but my body needed rest and so instead of beating myself up for it, I got up and did my normal Saturday routine, just a bit later than planned. There was a time in my life where I would let a small thing like that determine my whole day and how I spoke to myself, usually not very kindly (shaming myself for "wasting the day") and it wouldn't leave me in a great place mentally. But by letting myself sleep in and picking up my normal routine, I had the energy I needed and still accomplished all that needed to get done.

A rhythm that I have been working on establishing is meal planning and grocery shopping on Saturday and meal prepping on Sundays. I used to try and do it all in one day, but then by the time I got home from the store, I had no capacity to actually make the meals. Splitting it up is much less overwhelming for me. It allows me to plan meals I know I'm going to enjoy and look forward to eating throughout the week instead of just picking up what is easy and convenient. Certainly there is nothing wrong with meals that are easy and I still make relatively simple meals, but there is something satisfying about slowing down and taking time to prepare meals that I know will be satisfying, filling and nutritious. Somehow I managed to be out shopping when it was pouring rain for the second week in a row, so that was fun. It almost deterred me from going, but I reminded myself that my Sunday self will thank my Saturday self when I have everything I need to meal prep.

In other news, this week I attempted to put myself out there. Sigh. I went to a singles group. I can't even type it out without cringing. I wish it wasn't as cringe sounding as it is, but if you know, you know. It wasn't a complete flop, I went in with very low expectations and mild PTSD, but I did end up having one genuine conversation with a guy. It's just not a group I see myself investing in for a number of reasons, none that say anything about the people in the group or their church, just practically it doesn't make sense for me to invest there. My heart has been a bit dramatic as of late and I quote "Lord, singleness feels like a prison I'll never be released from" --- uh so yea, how's that for an honest prayer? Haha. Not settling is a narrow road and I know its worth it. I don't want to marry just anyone, it needs to be the right fit. I just don't like this whole putting myself out there thing. It's scary and uncomfortable; so I think I'll just go back to investing faithfully in the places He currently has me and trusting that He'll bring someone who genuinely sees me and my heart for Him, that will bravely choose to pursue me along the way. Not to say, I won't go to new places from time to time, I just think there is something to be said about "less is more" -- for my own emotional health.

I started listening to a book called "Practicing the Way: Be with Jesus, Become like Him, Do as He did" by John Mark Comer and I am really enjoying it so far. One thing that stood out to me today as I listened was this statement "In our fast paced, productivity obsessed, digitally distracted culture that is endlessly chasing the life script of up and to the right, time is money and money is god, the idea of slowing down, coming to quiet and dealing with the myriad of distractions within and out and just letting God love you into a person of love seems like a waste of time." This resonated deeply as I take a break from social media this summer and initially I felt a loss, a bit of FOMO. But honestly, my anxiety levels have been so much lower and I have noticed a greater capacity to slow down and be with Jesus. I don't want to just religiously read my Bible and pray. I want to live life to the full, in the presence of Jesus, learning to love sacrificially as He did. That requires slowing down, shutting out the noise of the culture and facing the internal and external battles of the real life in front of me, letting God's love transform me from the inside out. The reward of following Jesus, is Jesus. This re-grounded me today, reminding me who I live for and at the end of the day, no matter how my life plays out, I have Jesus and in Him I have everything. Slowing down and being with Him is the most productive thing I can do, because everything else I do will flow out of that.

"Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with Him in glory." Colossians 3:1-4

That is all for this weeks musings, friends. Grace and peace to you until next time,

Melissa