My (Un)training and (Re)wiring

"Even though the process of (un)training and (re)wiring my thoughts and beliefs about myself has been one of the longest, hardest, still in progress, it is most worthy journey I have taken."

I’ve heard it said that “discipline has to come before the want to is there” — at the time, being a recovering people pleaser and seeking approval, my head wanted to agree. But really, in my heart of hearts I fully disagreed and I still do. Maybe, there is a hint of truth there...but I think it can easily miss the gospel. You can have all the discipline in the world, but if it is coming out of a place of shame, then you are living in a false freedom. Your eyes are on the wrong goal. Discipline is not a means to an end, it's the fruit of freedom in the gospel. The context in which this statement was said, was in the realm of church and spiritual disciplines (reading your Bible, praying, etc.). The thing that bothers me about this mindset is, it implies that discipline itself is what brings about change... when it's the gospel that has to bring a heart shift first. The result of discipline will be some change, there will be fruit for sure, but if there isn't a heart shift first then that fruit doesn't mean much.

Okay, before I go much further...I want to pause a moment and acknowledge that I've just made some bold statements and I want to say: this is complex and there are several things happening simultaneously, it's not black and white. This is an outpouring of my own processing and journey walking with Jesus. I want to be careful and not dismiss having discipline, I am simply offering a different perspective about what place it holds in our hearts. Perhaps the best way to explain what I'm talking about is to share real examples from my life and how the Lord has taught me that my perspective needed to change.

If you know me in real life, you know that I started a weight loss journey after my mom died. There are many deep roots there that I have had to work through in therapy and with the Lord. But in the end this is what I learned: the discipline it took to lose the weight? Well, it worked on the outside of me. But the inside of me? Very little change. The "discipline" was run by my shame of not being able to be "skinny" like everyone thought I should be. It created an even deeper anxiety around the food I ate and a cycle of "needing" to workout because I ate pasta. I still picked apart my body and I still believed I was incapable of being loved, because I wasn't visually "attractive."

Imagine my disappointment when I lost all the weight and I still wasn't pursued by the people I wanted to pursue me. Sure, I see that as God's protection 100%. AND the shame continued to spin, because well, there must be something so wrong with me that is repelling. I really believed that, in the bottom of my soul. Heartbreaking, I know. Even though the process of (un)training and (re)wiring my thoughts and beliefs about myself has been one of the longest, hardest, still in progress, it is most worthy journey I have taken. Healing, really does start from the inside out. Though I wish I had learned that sooner, I'm thankful for the things I've walked through, because if I hadn't, I wouldn't be the woman I am today. It not only impacts me, but it has eternal impacts for generations to come.

Regardless of where my tendency toward people pleasing came from it also translated into my relationship with Jesus. Circling back to spiritual disciplines... I had a lot of shame in my teen years and early young adult days because I could never "stick to a quiet time routine" like my youth leaders strongly encouraged--- I stopped and started a million prayer journals that I was gifted. I tried to read and understand the Bible. I wanted to be closer to Jesus... the "want to" was there. But the deeper, belief that was actually holding me hostage for years was that it was up to me to make God love me. I believed it was up to me to prove to Him that I was worthy to be loved by Him. Phew, typing out those words is so humbling, I don't think I've quite articulated that so clearly before. As tears threaten to spill onto my cheeks, I am so grateful the He began to uproot these beliefs a handful of years ago.

A prayer I began praying, sometime after graduating college was "Jesus, teach me how to love You." His answer was "Melissa, let me show you how much you are already loved." And that He has. He has flipped the script in so many ways. Though I accepted Jesus as my Savior as a child and had been a Christian for years, I didn't understand the depth of His love and what that meant for me now, not just for eternity. He's taught me what grace looks like in everyday life. He's shown me that change and growth starts with this: recognizing my desperate need for Him and His place in my life. It was my crying out to Him in prayer, confessing my need for Him, that was the beginning of heart change... which has led to being consistent, which I guess you could say "disciplined." But this time, it is with grace and with my eyes on Jesus, not how others view me.

In the practical/in relation to my example of weight loss: He is the one who created me and everything He created is good. That means, my body is good. It was uniquely designed by Him and for His glory. Because my body is good, I can nourish it. Because my body is good, I can strengthen it. Because my body is good, I can be kind to it. When I care for my body in this gentle way, I am honoring God. I was not made to make myself smaller, I was made to glorify God in all I do and that starts with caring for and loving the body He graciously gave me in every season of life and no matter what it looks like...not picking it apart, starving it or punishing it.

In the practical/in relation to spiritual disciplines: I don't hold tightly to a "quiet time routine" --- it ebbs and flows in different seasons. Sometimes that means listening to worship music in my car on my commute, listening to a podcast; someone else's testimony of how the Gospel has changed their life to stir my affections for Jesus; it also means sitting down with my Bible reading Scripture, praying from that Scripture and pouring out my heart on paper. It also means quiet prayers in my heart that I can't utter out loud or on paper yet. It also means setting aside a few hours on a Saturday to seek Him in His word. Sometimes it is going on a walk. It looks a lot of different ways, but the grounding factor is this: no matter what it looks like, His love for me doesn't change. He goes with me everywhere I go and does not waste anything or any time spent listening to worship music, hearing someone's testimony or meditating on His word and sitting in prayer. I no longer show up to "prove myself worthy of His love"... I show up because I am already loved by Him. The realization that I don't have to show up perfectly (because He knows I won't be--- hello depraved state we live in because of sin), but that I can show up as is and I am still loved more than I even know? That is the game changer, that is what keeps me showing up. As I show up, He continues to change me through the truth of the Gospel. Not my own ability to be "disciplined."

"I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his holy people, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is the same as the mighty strength he exerted when he raised Christ from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every name that is invoked, not only in the present age but also in the one to come."

Ephesians 1:17-21