Missing My Closet

Lately, I've been missing my closet. To the majority of you that will sound really weird, so let me give some context. A few years ago, I lived with some of my friends and I shared the master bedroom with one of them. We had a pretty great set up, dorm room style with two twin beds and a nice comfy chair in the corner. I needed a space where I could just be alone to read my Bible, journal and pray one day, so I claimed our walk-in closet for this. What started out as a silly little idea that day, turned out to be my favorite place in the house.

It was a safe place for me to fully fall apart and let Jesus pick up the broken pieces. I could ugly cry in peace, I covered the walls in unfiltered and raw prayers, I clung to the truths that defeated the lies I was believing. It's where I cried out to the Lord and He answered, it's where I went and I was grounded (literally because I sat on the ground and figuratively as my body began to relax, processing whatever needed to be at that moment). It was where sin was confessed, unhealthy roots began to be dug up, it was where I could feel deeply and not be judged. It was a transforming space.

Why have I been missing this space, you ask? Because it felt productive, it was like spring cleaning for my soul every time. Discovering the dusty boxes, unpacking them and getting rid of the junk. It was like I unloaded a bunch of weight and came out feeling lighter, filled with joy, my sorrow left to be soaked up in the four walls of that closet. It occurred to me recently, that I haven't felt like I could fully fall apart since I moved out of that house. I've gotten back into the habit of "holding it together" until I can't anymore and well, that never ends well.

A year and a half ago, I co-led a mission trip and on the plane home, I was sitting next to my co-lead who was also a friend at one point. Feeling brave I guess, I asked them "What can I work on as a leader?" and basically they said I need to work on controlling my emotions. Looking back, I know why they would say that. Though I had my closet, my emotional reactions did spill out into my work and my friendships during the time our lives crossed paths. The words stung, but made sense. I mean, the church is supposed to be made up of perfect, godly people, who have it all together and don't let their emotions get the best of them right?

Yea. That is to be read with a little bit of salt. But I believed that lie for a long time, being in leadership at a church brought that out so much. I had so much anxiety about being real with people in real life. There was also a time where I was scared to write and share my personal blog, because I tend to be pretty real and honest in them. Why? BECAUSE THAT'S WHERE JESUS MEETS US. In the everyday, real deal stuff. My life is not a pretty package with a pretty bow. That's the very reason I need Jesus. I share as real and honest (without airing every single detail of my life) as I can--- so that, as I live my life, others can see not how great I am, but how great Jesus is. Even so, I would think and overthink every word out of fear of suddenly being asked to step down from my position if someone higher in leadership happened to read it (because my writing is so scandalous lol).

Perhaps the enemy was doing his work at discouraging me. Or perhaps the freedom in the Gospel of Jesus, I was experiencing wasn't a shared experience even in a building that was there for the very purpose of sharing the good news of Jesus. Perhaps it felt like programs, structure, applications for being a good Christian, overshadowed the actual living in the gospel daily in the ups and downs of life. I don't share that to point fingers or shame, because ya'll I have lived by all the "rules." You name it, I've tried to abide by it. Morning quiet times, showing up to Bible study with all the "right" answers, leading Bible study with all the "right" answers, going to church every Sunday, etc.

Those things are good things. I am not knocking them by any means, please do not hear that. My point is this: going to church every Sunday is great, reading the Bible regularly is awesome, I'm not saying throw out all of the principles that help us grow in the knowledge of God's grace. In fact, we are designed for community and it is in the church community that we remind each other of the truth and we see the truth of the Gospel laid out in the Bible. What I am saying is this: we also grow in the knowledge of grace by living it out. The other day my emotions built up, hit a tipping point and came out sideways. It's been awhile since something like that has happened. By the time I recognized what was going on in my heart, I had some clean up to do, that involved owning what went wrong and apologizing (humbling), and then choosing to rest in the grace extended after my apologies and the forgiveness I already have in Jesus.

I guess what I am trying to articulate is this: If you believe in Jesus as your Lord and Savior, you can rest knowing that you are forgiven for all sins, past, present and future. What Jesus accomplished on the cross is already finished and you can rest. AND your days on earth will be filled with living out what was already accomplished for us by responding to conviction as you seek to follow Jesus--- confessing (owning your sin, confessing to God and people), repenting (turning away from sin) and resting in God's forgiveness. On flipside, it is also extending forgiveness when others wrong you (even when they don't own their wrongs). That's another topic for another day ;)

Any who, my friends, that's what's been on my mind today. I'll end with sharing one of my very favorite passages:

Psalm 103:8-12

"The Lord is compassionate and gracious,

    slow to anger, abounding in love.

He will not always accuse,

    nor will he harbor his anger forever;

he does not treat us as our sins deserve

    or repay us according to our iniquities.

 For as high as the heavens are above the earth,

    so great is his love for those who fear him;

as far as the east is from the west,

    so far has he removed our transgressions from us."

Grace and peace to you until next time,

Melissa