Reset and Refresh

Something you might not know about me, and honestly is embarrassing to admit (but this is a judgement free zone, right?), is that my room growing up was a disaster. Any time I was told to clean my room it mainly involved me sitting in my room looking through old school assignments and discovering old toys and, picking up/putting away laundry and then hiding anything and everything else in my closet or under my bed. There were definitely points in my high school years that you could not see the floor of my bedroom. Overwhelmed with the mess that accumulated over the years, I did the bare minimum. I inwardly cringe when I think about it.

One day, I don't know when exactly, I'm pretty sure it was before my mom died, but maybe after I graduated? For sure, my senior year of high school. Something in me was absolutely disgusted so I went out to the garage to grab a couple of the massive garbage bags that my dad used for the garbage cans in his shop and I ended up filling two or three of them up with old school projects, clothes that had holes and stains, broken toys from childhood etc. I'm sure I donated some things too, but mostly just pitched a whole bunch of things and organized my room like I never had before. Since then, I've sought to make it my mission to accumulate as little as possible. I have an aversion and an anxiety that comes with having too much stuff. And I wouldn't say I have a lot in comparison to some as I've either lived with roomies or in someone's basement, but this week I have the deep urge to purge again.

Collecting it all and making someone else's problem is an appealing solution that is only temporary, because we all know, I will find things to take the place of what I purged. I've thought about this before, but was thinking about it again this week. It's a lot like life, we collect a lot of baggage overtime. A pile of mistakes, of hurt, of less than stellar circumstances. We carry this baggage around, purging some of it along the way, but then collecting more in defeat. We can only hope that we can find people who will take us in, baggage and all. Therapy is a helpful tool, but it's only helpful if you're ready to actually face the baggage head on, not attempting making it someone else's problem to "fix it" or "take it away" for you.

I have a suspicion my urge to purge my physical space, is an indication that I have more soul baggage to process with my therapist and drop at the feet of Jesus, letting Him carry it for me. Yes, it felt great to delete the 9,000+ emails in my inbox (no judgment remember), and to go through my clothes and reorder my room this weekend. But there is still a deep sense of needing to rid of something, that something is holding me back from walking in the freedom I have as a daughter of the King. At my last therapy appointment, we both agreed, that I was in a good place, that we had fried most of the big fish. Ahahaha, well, perhaps we did fry the big fish and it will be fine, I will make it to our next appointment, made further out than normal. However, it is evident to me that I still don't believe that I'm lovable. That fish, is bigger than I thought and stuck deep, deep in the ocean of my heart.

Now before you say, "But MELISSA!" --- I know. I wish it wasn't that way, I wish it wasn't a default setting in my brain. I know, that I know, that I know, that I am worthy to be loved and to love. There are just times in life when it doesn't feel that way and I forget. I start placing my identity in my baggage, my past sin, labels that have been placed on me/I've placed on myself, my circumstances, instead of in Jesus. As my pastor spoke this morning, I heard a whisper in my heart "That's it, My dear Melissa. You're not believing My love and care for you. You believe it so easily for others, why not yourself?"

Oof. That's where my heart is at and that's what has been hindering me. I am again in a place of needing to confess my unbelief in His love for me, despite my baggage. I don't have to carry it anymore. I don't have to bag it up and or hide it in a closet. I don't have to live as if it's my identity. I don't have to face and deal with it alone and if anyone can carry it, fix it, or redeem it, it is Him and only Him. It's giving "God teaching me what His love is" all over again. I definitely thought I wrote a blog about how I prayed for God to teach me how to love like Him, but He started by showing me how much He loves me instead... therefore the previous sentence would make more sense. After I've gone through all my posts trying to reference it, I'm remembering that I actually shared that in person at Bible study, not in a blog. Anyway, it is that, He is teaching me again what it means to be loved by Him. I'll have to share that part of my testimony here another time.

"Praise the Lord, my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name. Praise the Lord, my soul, and forget not all his benefits—who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s. The Lord works righteousness  and justice for all the oppressed. He made known his ways to Moses, his deeds to the people of Israel: The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever; he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us. As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him; for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust. The life of mortals is like grass, they flourish like a flower of the field; the wind blows over it and it is gone, and its place remembers it no more. But from everlasting to everlasting the Lord’s love is with those who fear him, and his righteousness with their children’s children—with those who keep his covenant and remember to obey his precepts. The Lord has established his throne in heaven, and his kingdom rules over all. Praise the Lord, you his angels,    you mighty ones who do his bidding, who obey his word. Praise the Lord, all his heavenly hosts, you his servants who do his will. Praise the Lord, all his works  everywhere in his dominion.

Praise the Lord, my soul." Psalm 103:1-22

Father, let Psalm 103 be my prayer this week. Thank you Lord, for forgiving all my sins and redeeming my life from the pit. Help me know your presence and your peace as I navigate the challenges of the upcoming week. Help me believe, that you truly crown me with love and compassion and that you are slow to anger, abounding in love, an everlasting love. Help me believe that your love is as high as the heavens are above the earth and that you have removed my transgressions as far as the east is from the west. It is in freedom and grace that I can lay all my baggage at your feet. Thank you Jesus for all You are. It is in Your precious and holy name, Jesus, I pray, amen.