The God Who Sees

Tomorrow I will wake up a thirty year old. Wild! That happened so fast, it feels like yesterday that I was in my early twenties. In these last number of days leading to my birthday, I have been all over the board: grateful and filled with joy, sad and frustrated, hopeful and at peace, insecure and the most secure I've been in my life. It's been a whole thing, LOL. And that's okay, I'm allowed to feel the whole thing. I don't have to downplay any of it.

This week specifically I've been reflecting on my life thus far, where God has brought me, how He's used me, how it looks NOTHING like I expected, how it has come with pain I would not choose and how I can't see the big picture but He is in everything orchestrating all things for my good and for His glory. That alone for me, makes living life worth it. In all of it, I've experienced His goodness, His comfort, His joy, His peace in ways I could never have imagined. In my reflection, my heart has been so easily focused on what I don't have and prayers that have seemingly not been answered or rather not answered the way I wanted.

Discouraged, in a recent journal entry I confessed to the Lord that I feel like He has abandoned me in some areas. I confessed the hatred of my lack and my jealousy of others, receiving what I long for, what I've spent hours praying about. In my younger years I would have NEVER said these words to God. Saying the word HATE to the God of the universe, to say that I feel abandoned by Him? Absolutely not. And to share that publicly in a space like this? HECK NO! I would have covered up those feelings and thoughts with trite little statements like "God I know you love me and provide for me."

While yes it is true that He loves me and that He provides for me beyond what I know I need, He doesn't ask me to lock up my feelings in a box and convince Him that I know He loves me. He gave me the capacity to feel emotions and they have a purpose in our lives. It is in the freedom of expressing these emotions and thoughts in prayer, that we truly experience God's grace in the Gospel. I don't have to convince Him of His love for me. He is love and already knows the depth of love He has for me and as I express these things to Him, He showers it over me.

As I reflected this week, I came across the passage Job 38 and 39. If you're not familiar with the story of Job in the Bible, basically he was a wealthy man of faithfulness and he lost literally everything. This put him in a place of depression and questioning God. The whole book displays his wrestling, his despair and grief of what he had lost, his crying out to the Lord. His friends try to give wisdom and advice, his repenting his lack of trust in God's sovereignty and God is silent. Until chapter 38. He begins to speak and I get shivers and my breath is taken every time I read it. Take a moment to go read it here: Job 38-39.

Wow, right?! You still with me? Nothing more humbling then God laying it out. He is the one who laid the earths foundations, He marked off the dimensions, who sets the stars in place, who gives the sea boundaries, who orders the morning and holds storehouses of snow. And on it goes (I really encourage you to go read it, so go back and click that linky link if you haven't already ;)). The following chapters is a brief response from Job, expressing his unworthiness, another long response from the Lord and then Job's final response and an epilogue, where God called out Job's friends and restores Job's life.

Job's response is this: "I know that you can do all things, no purpose of yours can be thwarted. You asked, "Who is this that obscures my plans without knowledge? Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know. You said, "listen now, and I will speak; I will question you, and you shall answer me. My ears had heard of you, but now my eyes have seen you. Therefore I despise myself and repent in dust and ashes."

Sigh. There it is. I have limited knowledge, and a great, mighty God who knows all and sustains all things. Though there are things in my story and the path He has me on that I don't understand, I know that His plans will not be thwarted. His purpose and plans, His heart: RESTORATION of His people to Himself! This story is not just a nice little story of a wealthy faithful man who experiences suffering and turmoil as a test of his faithfulness, turned into a faithful man who is restored.

It points to a grander picture and a greater hope: JESUS. Jesus is most faithful man that ever lived. The only one who can take the title of "perfect." The man who experienced ultimate suffering on the cross in our place, in order that we can be restored to God, our Heavenly Father. The point of looking at Job's story is not to be like "Okay, if I am like Job, then God will give me what I want and restore the things I want Him to." Job's story is not your story. The point is for us to see that God is sovereign (has ultimate power) over all things and when we submit our lives to Him, He restores us. Little by little here in the present moment, through the experiences that shape and mold us into looking more like Him and ultimately in eternity.

Depending on what you have heard about God/your experience with the church or Christians in your life, choosing to give your life to Jesus and to live for Him (if you haven't), may feel scary or like you have to give up all the "fun" things in life, that your life will become boring and you might lose friends. Or maybe, you've decided to believe in Jesus, perhaps it was presented as quick solution with a promise of all of life's problems disappearing and then they didn't go away. If I can speak any truth into your life, this is what I would say:

1. God sees you my friend. He knows your story and the depths of your heart in a way that no one else ever will.

2. Giving your life to Jesus is the most important and best you will ever make.

3. When such a decision is made, it is not magical, it's powerful.

4. Confessing belief in and choosing to live for Jesus is not a straight shot up the mountain of life, you will still go through valleys. You will still be messy, you will still fall into sin, but because of Jesus and His sacrifice, your messiness will not be your identity. You will instead be seen as holy, without blemish in God's eyes, now and when He calls you home. He will patiently work with you, renewing your mind as you seek Him in this life.

5. The "fun" things you are afraid of "giving up" will not compare to the goodness of God. Life won't be boring, instead more of an adventure as you open up to His plans and seek His direction.

6. Your relationships might change, but your love for them will deepen, your desire will be for them to experience what you've experienced in Jesus. Some will, and some won't. God will grieve that with you and you will gain new family, people you never expected to get along with will become people you lean on in the valleys of life. These will be people that point you to the Gospel again and again and remind you of your identity in Christ when you lose sight of it in the midst of your sin, in the midst of your pain. They will encourage you, remind you that you are not alone as they have similar things happen in their life.

7. How your life plays out will not look the same as the person next to you and that's okay. That is the beauty of life, God did not make us robots!

Before this becomes a novel, I'll stop there. My heart needed to be reminded of these things today, thank you for holding the space for me to write them out and taking the time to read it. I pray your heart may be touched also and if something I wrote resonated with you, would you be brave and reach out? I would love to listen to your story, and share more of mine in person.

Psalm 16

1 Keep me safe, my God,

for in you I take refuge.

2 I say to the Lord, “You are my Lord;

apart from you I have no good thing.”

3 I say of the holy people who are in the land,

“They are the noble ones in whom is all my delight.”

4 Those who run after other gods will suffer more and more.

I will not pour out libations of blood to such gods

or take up their names on my lips.

5 Lord, you alone are my portion and my cup;

you make my lot secure.

6 The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;

surely I have a delightful inheritance.

7 I will praise the Lord, who counsels me;

even at night my heart instructs me.

8 I keep my eyes always on the Lord.

With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken.

9 Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices;

my body also will rest secure,

10 because you will not abandon me to the realm of the dead,

nor will you let your faithful[b] one see decay.

11 You make known to me the path of life;

you will fill me with joy in your presence,

with eternal pleasures at your right hand.

Grace and love to you until next time,

Melissa