The Day I joined the Gym

I returned from a hiking trip in Spain, disappointed and annoyed at myself for "letting myself go"-- I hated that I let myself gain weight after losing a significant amount. Thoughts spun in my head, telling me that if I had worked harder to maintain my weight loss, my endurance on the El Camino would have been better. I would have been able to walk the whole 80 miles to Santiago (never mind the blisters that were on the brink of infection causing pain in my feet). I was a failure, it was all my fault and shame threatened to swell into my heart. Fed up and emotional I looked up gyms in my area and took a week or so to get the courage to walk in inquiring about a membership. I gave myself a pep talk the whole way there, feeling silly but I knew I needed to just do it.

When I decided to join a gym, this was my plan: keep to myself, walk on the treadmill, stick with the exercises I knew how to do, get into a consistent routine. I had NO intention of receiving any help. So imagine my surprise when I was greeted by a staff member, ready to ask me about my fitness and health history. Slightly annoyed, but also desperate I shared a little bit of my story and ended up saying yes to trying a group session. LOL. That was a turn of events. Not only, was there no "keeping to myself" --- I just said yes to having a coach and the thought of someone watching me had me so nervous I thought I could barf. Thankfully, I did not barf. That would have been embarrassing. I praise God, for a gracious experience. It took me awhile to get used to having a coach (having people watch me is exactly what I wanted to avoid, so having one person watch me--- brought out ALL the insecurities; my biggest fear was looking stupid). Turns out coaches can be patient, kind, encouraging, and empower you to do things you never thought you'd do.

My framework for having a coach was elementary through high school. Where they have you test at the beginning of the year: the mile, pull-ups (while everyone WATCHED), sit-ups, the shuttle run (speed?) and sit and reach (flexibility?). And then we literally did nothing throughout the year to improve on those things and then tested again in the spring, just remind me that I didn't improve and I was a failure. Which is really sad, because I loved hula-hooping, jump roping and dance, but it seemed that my fitness abilities were measured by these two weeks that book-ended the school year, so as the years went on I stopped doing the things I enjoyed. They weren't meant for me. Just the athletic skinny kids. Being overweight from a young age, I HATED running the mile and doing a pull up was an impossibility because I was too heavy. I still can't do an unassisted pull-up, but I now know, that I can get stronger and work toward that if I want to (also, was mind blown when I learned that there was such a thing as an assisted pull-up... why didn't we learn this in school?) If you can't tell gym class throughout elementary, middle and high school left me full of shame, a little salty and jaded.

BUT God, is a God of redemption and He has not left me stuck there. He brought me into this gym, in a moment of desperation and I am forever grateful. I don't know how long this season will last--- but I will rejoice and give thanks for the current moment. I am SO grateful for those who I have met, for those coaches who have patiently taught me new things, corrected my form, encouraged me, challenged me, laughed with me, told me it is okay to fail and to focus on one rep at a time. For those friends (and the best workout buddies), I never would have met if I had not walked into the gym that day. I would have missed out on some pretty wonderful people, and so I thank God for how He crosses paths, it's wild, unexpected and beautiful!

I went into the gym thinking I'd "get back on track" and lose all the weight again and now I look forward to progress week to see how much I can bench press and deadlift. Turns out I'm pretty strong and getting stronger ;). I came into the gym not wanting to receive help, but have gotten the support I didn't know I needed. The gym is a vulnerable space to be in. We all bring all of our shame and insecurities surrounding our bodies/fitness/health into a small space and are fighting those negative thoughts that are so ingrained in us from a young age. Don't do it alone. Let others come alongside you, fight together. Hold space for each other to feel all the things. Encourage each other to keep going and cheer each other on for showing up for yourselves. I promise, it's worth it <3

As always grace and love until we meet again!